Carnivalis

Maybe it feels like being born. 

I’m hanging, listless, with only the sound of my heart in my ears, beating with an arrythmia that offers little comfort in this complete absence.

My eyes open and the void remains. Impenetrable darkness. I fancy I see my hands as I bring them in front of my face, but as my hands become still the illusion of movement remains. I see a noise, like the shimmering artifacts of compressed video as my mind grasps for stimulus.

In this sensorial chasm I sense a falling. Inanimate, my arms drift above my head of their own accord, and my chest draws tight as my lower half sinks lazily – but to where? And from where have I come?

A lock of hair brushes my shoulder. Another slides across my forehead. I feel for my scalp, and find the hair dancing. I rub my arms and feel the pert follicles waving. I become aware of the bitter cold pressing in. I’m underwater.

As if prompted by the relevation, I feel a vibration, and then hear, for the want of a better word, a groan.

In this darkness the groan is deafening and prolonged, like the resigned cry of some dying animal stretched to quarter-speed. At once urgent and vacant. The sound vibrates behind my eyes, seems to issue from within. In turn, I cry out of my own accord. My effort sends a scattershot jet of bubbles and in the next breath I pull in the cold, metallic water around me, choking, vomiting dioxide. 

Panic, as the immediacy of the danger sets in. The groan continues to emit from somewhere far below and I kick out, trying to make for some exit. In this darkness I can only determine ‘up’ by the forces working counter to drag me down and in a frenzy I work against them. I thrash both legs and the weight on my chest lifts, but is replaced by the ache of starved lungs. 

A jolt. I let out an involuntary cry that jettisons any remaining air. Something kills my ascent. There is a pressure on my left foot tethering me to that yawning dark. I try to hoist my knee up with the aid of both hands. the knee creaks, the joints work slowly in the icy water. I strain for an icy hand that binds my foot but find myself unable to reach.

The groan dies away and is replaced with a louder furore – like a horn sounding into the din, calling the unseen to battle. Then moments later…

A light.

From what I perceive to be ‘above’, a shaft of rectangular light shimmers in the distance. The light doesn’t penetrate the darkness around or give any context to my location, but its luminescence tears a rift in the pitch black theatre – a hole which continues to widen until I perceive the indefinable shape of something beyond.

The tension in my left leg gives, and with my newfound freedom I drag myself through the pitch black towards the white window. My hands grasp at the water, pushing it behind me with the fervour of a coward fighting for the last remaining space on a lifeboat, casting mother and child overboard in his stead. Through clenched teeth I struggle to put the gaping darkness behind me. My chest burns fiercely as organs scream for air.

As I draw towards the widening gap a second sound, more mechanical, accompanies the infernal chorus from below. The sound of gears turning in large, chunking increments. Each rotation has an immense gravity; a doomsday clock turning through its final seconds. 

My wide eyes sting, focused they are on the target ahead. I find myself squinting against reddish flecks in the water that both collide with and race past me, shimmering in the new light. Rust, or flesh, or both.

The ethereal rectangle draws nearer. I feel my resolve waning and my eyes grow heavy. I cast my right arm forward, overextending in the my final desperate attempt, then feel my body come to rest and once again begin to drift down.

My foot makes contact with a surface, flat and smooth. I kick off from it, hurling myself into the light. 

An arm clasps my wrist and draws me through to the other side.

Light bleeds through my squinting eyelids, relentless, pure. For a moment this new reality is less tolerable than the last, but then the bellowing of the darkness begins anew. I emit a throaty cough – a moan – as I am pulled up one giant step, then another, through the cold membrane of water and into an even colder chamber.

Through stinging eyes I make out the grime-stained, chipped tiles that adorn the steps and walls as I am hoisted. They call to mind an old subway station, abandoned and fallen into filth and ruin. I strain round, casting my gaze back beneath the water, watching the ruined tile steps that I had just surmounted as they drop precipitously into the murky depths.

I kick away from the edge and collapse shivering and naked, into a shallow pool of tepid dirt water. Through convulsions I breath hoarse cries and cover my head, waiting the nightmare to pass.

That Incel, Burns

Bow-hough’d, hein-shin’d, that incel Burns
on Cheeto’d sheets lays wheezing, prostrate,
red faced virgin, dour and din
consumed in rabbish web debate.

His room awash in resin figures,
forbye a pillow shap’d of a maid,
the tarnish’d pine o’ brittle shelves
with unboxed Funko Pops display’d.

His forays into Ceithir-Chan
have wrought philos’phie, iron cast:
In life, a race 10,000 miles,
fedora-tippers finish last.

Fingers sprattle oily keys
aboon laptop perched on rattling chest
“Facts dinnae care about yer feelings”
Shapiro sentiment, expressed.

The gnash of teeth and harsh rebukes,
were deafening as Burns transcribed,
“That ‘Charlie’s Angels’ film woz shit,
the Metascore was justified.”

That incel Burns comes hostin, hirplin’
the asklent meme-Laird, prolific troll,
His dwelling may be scant and scrim
but spotless ‘twixt his heart and soul.

The Slights

We landed in Marrakesh on Thursday evening, and after a brief stop at customs and a knuckle-whitening taxi ride found ourselves at the hotel: a four-star riad in the center of the old city.

The room was overly spacious. All mosaic, arched doorways and blackout curtains. On the bed a single rose had been placed, the petals already beginning to wilt around the edges. A small card was propped on one of the nightstands. It read ‘Malika is your maid!’ in tidy scrawl.

Lexi slept late. We spent the next afternoon in the medina, dodging panhandlers and hopping between the souk stalls to escape the heat. When we returned to the hotel we relaxed by the almost vacant pool until the sun decided to dip, and then retired to the room to get ready for the evening. 

There’s a certain Christmassy excitement to re-discovering a room after maid service has been: Hand towels folded into abstractions, or contorted into animals and perched on the immaculately made up bed sheets. Discarded garments collected and folded. Complimentary items replenished. As we re-acclimated to the air conditioned room I discovered a torn fragment of letterhead sat on top of my copy of ‘The Corrections’, which sat askance on the mahogany coffee table. 

Great book!’ the note read, in the same curvy flourishes as the card on the nightstand.

Grabbing some hotel stationary from the armoire I added ‘It’s really good!’ beneath.

The next afternoon we returned to the room to find other tears of paper. A lightly curled scrap on the bed read ‘I will make the bed, you don’t have to!‘; surely a response to Lexi’s insistence that we attempt to leave the sheets in some semblance of order before we head out each morning.

Later that night I found a note resting inside our travel wallet full of Lexi’s neatly printed itinerary. ‘Busy week!!’, it said, to which I left no reply.

As the week progressed we continued to observe the unwritten holidaymakers law to be out of the room by late morning so as to keep out of housekeeping’s way, returning hours later to find another note or some other bemusing adjustment has been made to our apartment. Invariably it was my possessions that attracted comment.

‘Nice shirt!’ read a scrap, stolen into one of my shirt pockets at some indeterminate point. A fat red heart was drawn in biro beside the familiar penmanship, rendered in firm and artful strokes.

“Another funny message from Malika, or whoever,” I said, passing the note to my partner who evidently took the flirtations in middling-to-bad humour. Over the next few days her exasperation mounted at a growing collection of messages and perceived slights from Malika.

“The maid only replaced your bathrobe!” she announced, holding the his and hers garments separately in outstretched hands like a human Scale of Justice; a scuff of dirt on the hem of the smaller robe was her smoking gun. On another occasion we returned to the room to find rose petals scattered liberally over the bed, predominantly on my side. I argued that it was probably a coincidence – the careless result of a flourish practised in room after room, day after day –  and rebuffed her as I identified a litany of errant petals that had landed on her side of the sheets. The maroon lipstick left on the bathroom mirror was probably a cultural display of hospitality, I tried to assure Lexi, rather than a calculated attempt to steal her lover. 

On the way down to the pool in a baggy tee and flip-flops I passed a maid, offering her a smile which she returned. I wondered if this was Malika.

On our penultimate day in the city Lexi suggested we order breakfast to our room before taking a slow amble through the square one last time. When the breakfast of grapefruit and bagels arrived she nursed each bite and spent long periods gazing out over the pool from the ample balcony. It became apparent that she was reluctant to leave the room before getting the measure of Malika, this being her last chance to do so. How embarrassing for her then, as an hour passed, followed by another, with no arrival from housekeeping. 

“Maybe they don’t clean the room on the last day”, I reiterated, sensing the emotional paper-cuts that even by her inaction Malika was now capable of inflicting.

When it was eventually time to leave the hotel Lexi insisted we didn’t leave a tip for housekeeping. She slouched against the retractable suitcase handle and motioned absently to the recently neglected room. I was caught off-guard by her pettiness. As we left the room I siphoned off a note and a handful of change from my pocket and left it on the nightstand.

The Problematic Boy Who Saved The World

In March of the year 2019 humanity came inches from extinction when an extraterrestrial threat (that looked something like the grey humanoids from science fiction) came to Earth with hostile intent. Cities were levelled and many killed in the short conflagration that followed the invasion, against which the combined might of the world’s superpowers paled.

Huddled, and shivering among the wreckage of gutted cities, humanity prepared to meet an untimely end.

However, unbeknownst to humanity or the alien insurgents a scrappy group of teenagers had slipped aboard the mothership. Utilizing deception, firearms and friendship, the group made their way through the aircraft carrier-sized vessel which hovered over Manhattan until they reached the Core.

The Core, to which all alien sentience was tethered, was protected by the most elite of the invaders’ forces, and even with the element of surprise most of the teenagers met powerfully violent ends. In the final moments of the invasion only one boy, Marcus, stood between survival and the complete decimation of our species. As his last remaining grenade came into contact with the Core and combusted, armies of intergalactic lifeforms all over Earth dropped to the ground — lifeless husks. Using the wireless transmission station with which the aliens had hijacked earthen TV frequencies, Marcus appeared to the world — weary and bruised.

“It’s over, everybody.” He said, a sheepish smile on his face, “They’re gone. We’re safe.”

Victorious and rejuvenated, humanity pulled together to rebuild. Within a couple of months most modern infrastructure was working again. With communication links still being salvaged and most over-air transmission reserved for armed forces and critical services, not a lot was known about the Saviour of Humanity, or what happened to him following the defeat of the aliens. Over the coming days there where whispers on the wind; hearsay from passing supply caravans or travellers that Marcus had been recovered from the mothership, and was reunited with his family somewhere in what remained of upstate New York.

By the end of August, life was coming to resemble pre-invasion times and world-wide interconnectivity was restored. With renewed digital freedom, stories of loss, survival and valor poured over the internet and humanity began searching for the boy who had saved the world.


They didn’t have to look far, and on the 16th of September the first post-war tweet from the (now verified) account @That420Marcus read, simply:

The responses criticising grammar were overwhelmed by an outpouring of thanks and appreciation for the boy who gave everything for his planet. In the following hours further details emerged about the mothership incursion, and Marcus’s firsthand survival account.

With the government being so quick to contain as much of the alien technology as possible, Marcus became the unofficial spokesperson for the invasion, and armchair strategists solicited him for his thoughts on the alien campaign — which Marcus gave freely:

To which, inevitably, came the responses asking if Marcus could clarify what he meant when he said ‘less important places like africa’. Marcus was quick to clarify that he had meant nothing by this remark, and that perhaps he hadn’t phrased it as well as he could have. Other Twitter users jumped to his defense and accused others of intentionally misinterpreting the tweet.

A few minutes later he appended this with a follow up tweet:

A handful of people began a forensic investigation into Marcus’s Twitter post history, which was still publicly available thanks to a robust decentralized network of backup servers. As well as identifying his hobbies (sports) and remaining family (father, two sisters, a dog), this deep-dive also unearthed a thread in which Marcus had referred to a forum moderator using a homophobic slur when his thread titled “sjw genderswapping in movie remakes” was locked.

In one of his many TV interviews Marcus sat small and nervous opposite a presenter who probed him specifically on this digital rant. Between the two figures a large digital screen showed the offending Tweet in triple-XL, and under the interviewer’s stern-but-not-unsympathetic gaze Marcus admitted that it was “a bad look”. What he didn’t do, as many online were quick to point out, was apologize.

Think-pieces sprung up with titles like “Why We Don’t Owe Anything To Marcus” and “Marcus: Pariah or Messiah?”. Certain parties were sympathetic, reminding the more vocal detractors that this was a seventeen year old boy who had watched all of his friends die and done humanity a great service.

On one side you’d hear:

To which:

As a media trail led Marcus to the west coast, he was insulated by high-profile survivors who praised his contribution to humanity; sharing rapport with him on late-night TV slots and tailing his growing entourage as he moved from state to state.

He spoke at motivational conferences where he was (repeatedly) heard to say “I was once a normal guy, like all of you”, and from there attended appearances at movie premieres and celebrity birthday parties. He was invited as a guest speaker at high school graduations, store openings, flat earth conferences and anti-vaccination sit-ins. The latter were met with a forceful online/offline response, but Marcus was quick to address the issue:

Unfortunately, the story of the boy who saved the world only got more concerning from here. In the absence of time, the following thoughts from Twitter user @_smiler232 will have to suffice:

From Now On – Hugh Jackman Kills a Dream

Author’s note: Some creative license has been taken in the following article.


There’s a video that did the rounds in the wake of The Greatest Showman’s release (“The Greatest Showman | “From Now On” with Hugh Jackman | 20th Century FOX”. 25 million views as of time of writing.)

The video — prefaced with a introduction by Hugh Jackman and TGS director Michael Gracey — takes place at a full cast table reading (singing?) where the assembled cast have come together to belt out the movie’s tunes in a dry run; an event eight months in the making due to scheduling conflicts.

Setting the scene in the preamble with Gracey, Hugh explains how he had recently undergone surgery to remove a cancerous cyst from his nose, which will justify:

1. Why his nose is bandaged during the upcoming scene.
2. Why he abstains from singing ‘From Now On’, a powerful number that kicks in during the redemptive third act of the movie. Doctors orders prohibit him from any strenuous vocal activity while the wound heals.

The scene begins with Hugh standing up front surrounded by the ensemble, hands on his hips as the opening notes of ‘From Now On’ begin and a young lad a fair bit shorter than Hugh with a pocket full of dreams serenades the opening bars:

“From now on/These eyes will not be blinded by the lights.”

Hugh nods, silent, and sways his head in passionate affirmation of the lyrics. He grows more restless with each sung line. He’s feeling it, by god, he’s FEELING it, and the cyst-imposed muteness is take its toll on this artist — his powers of expression reduced to nodding and some skyward finger-pointing. The bright-eyed Hugh-surrogate meanders towards the chorus, ecstatic in the approving presence of his idol. This is the kid’s Big Break. This is his golden opportunity to prove his melodic worth.

But wait, because here something miraculous happens. The youtube video cuts to a close-up of Hugh, presumably so we can watch his internal-struggle-cum-outpouring-of-passion unfold in algorithm-muddied HD. With flagrant disregard for doctors orders, Hugh begins crooning along to the piano strains. Quietly muttering at first, then with growing volume and conviction until by the time he hits the on-ramp of the next chorus, Hugh is in full headshaking, finger wagging, chest beating form. What an artist, what a talent.

“From now on!”, he expounds, suppressing (we imagine) the agony of eighty rupturing stitches. Whoops issue from cast and crew and the thing hits a fervor as everybody gets caught in the moment. The chorus of backup singers bob in harmony, and someone climbs on a table, I think.

Amid the raucous clapping and furor our cameraman pans out to reveal the kid, now absorbed into the chorus, all toe-tapping and teeth. Another voice in the din.

And one can’t help but feel for the boy: The Hugh-surrogate. From his scrappy opening bars to the ebbing and eventual silence that follows when Hugh decides to forego a medical expert’s advice, and all of a sudden the Opportunity Of A Lifetime is over for this diminutive lad who kind of stands there with a pained half-smile on his face, probably dying inside and willing Hugh’s exertions to do some lasting nasal damage.

He points repeatedly and energetically at Hugh, whether in mock imitation of Hugh’s own finger-pointing or in an accusing way as though indicting him among a police line-up of dream-destroyers it is unclear. They exchange a sloppy (Hugh-initiated) high-five as the music swells again.

The song ends and the kid takes up his music binder and exits stage right to take his unremarkable place in the ensemble, patting Hugh’s substantial shoulder as he passes. A gesture to which — to his credit — Hugh reciprocates with a conciliatory pat of his own.

Hugh’s back, and he’s ready for the next song.